高中英語語法-英語習作評改
英語習作評改
一、寫作提示：
假如你是某外語學校的學生，名叫李華。請就你校食堂的狀況（ canteen service ）給校長寫封信。
優點 不足 建議
食堂干凈 價格偏高
飯菜可口 種類偏少 盡快解決
服務態度好 等候時間較長
注意：
1. 詞數 100 左右。
2. 開頭已為你寫好，不計入總詞數。
Dear Mr. Principal，
I'm a senior student of our school. I'd like to say something about the canteen service in our school
二、學生習作：
Dear Mr. Principal，
I'm a senior student of our school. I'd like to say something about the canteen service in our school. The hall is clean and tidy， but the price of meals is a little too high. The dishes look nice and delicious to eat， but there are a limited variety of dishes with little change every week. The service is good， but we have to stand in line for a long time before we can get the meal. I suggest something should be done to solve the problem.
Yours
Li Hua
該篇習作將表格中的內容基本上表達了出來，也沒有嚴重的語法錯誤，但是仍存在著諸多問題：一段寫下來，主題不明，缺乏條理；表達生硬，句式單調，語氣不夠委婉；字數偏少，不合要求。該文得分 13 分。
三、評改措施：
①分段。一個好的段落必須緊扣一個中心思想或中心思想的某一方面。該習作雖采用了對比的手法，但只是按照表格中的順序進行對比，把所有的要點安排在一個段落，讓人讀后找不出中心思想。可把它分為兩段：第一段寫食堂的優點；第二段寫食堂的不足，同時提出建議。
②使用過度詞。根據句與句之間的關系，可靈活準確地使用過渡詞，如 what's more， besides， in addition， therefore 等。段與段之間根據對比或對照關系可使用 however 等。
③合理增加細節。如：為說明服務態度好，在 The dishes look nice and taste delicious as well 后添加了一句 What's more， the workers there treat us as their friends ，在提缺點時加了 we feel 等句。（見下文中畫線部分）
④使用委婉形式：在提建議時可用 May I suggest ？ 代替 I suggest .同時注意書信中的禮貌用語，如： Thanks for your consideration. 這些都符合真實的書信交往，也很容易讓人接受。
⑤使用較為復雜的結構：為避免句式單調，可將簡單句、并列句、復合句并用。同時也可使用獨立主格結構、非謂語動詞等。
修改之后：
Dear Mr. Principal，
I'm a senior student of our school. I'd like to say something about the canteen service in our school. The hall is clean and tidy. The dishes look nice and taste delicious as well. What's more， the workers there treat us as their friends， which makes us feel very happy.
However， we feel the price of the meal is a little high. Besides， we can only have a limited variety of dishes with little change every week. In addition， we often have to stand in line for a long time before we can get the meal. You could understand how precious time is to us students. Therefore， may I suggest something be done to solve the problem so that we can all enjoy our meals at school？
Thanks for your consideration.
Yours
Li Hua
不難看出，修改后的文章語言準確、層次清晰、內容充實、表達多樣、意思連貫，是一篇很難得的佳作。
英語習作評改
一、寫作提示：
假如你是某外語學校的學生，名叫李華。請就你校食堂的狀況（ canteen service ）給校長寫封信。
優點 不足 建議
食堂干凈 價格偏高
飯菜可口 種類偏少 盡快解決
服務態度好 等候時間較長
注意：
1. 詞數 100 左右。
2. 開頭已為你寫好，不計入總詞數。
Dear Mr. Principal，
I'm a senior student of our school. I'd like to say something about the canteen service in our school
二、學生習作：
Dear Mr. Principal，
I'm a senior student of our school. I'd like to say something about the canteen service in our school. The hall is clean and tidy， but the price of meals is a little too high. The dishes look nice and delicious to eat， but there are a limited variety of dishes with little change every week. The service is good， but we have to stand in line for a long time before we can get the meal. I suggest something should be done to solve the problem.
Yours
Li Hua
該篇習作將表格中的內容基本上表達了出來，也沒有嚴重的語法錯誤，但是仍存在著諸多問題：一段寫下來，主題不明，缺乏條理；表達生硬，句式單調，語氣不夠委婉；字數偏少，不合要求。該文得分 13 分。
三、評改措施：
①分段。一個好的段落必須緊扣一個中心思想或中心思想的某一方面。該習作雖采用了對比的手法，但只是按照表格中的順序進行對比，把所有的要點安排在一個段落，讓人讀后找不出中心思想。可把它分為兩段：第一段寫食堂的優點；第二段寫食堂的不足，同時提出建議。
②使用過度詞。根據句與句之間的關系，可靈活準確地使用過渡詞，如 what's more， besides， in addition， therefore 等。段與段之間根據對比或對照關系可使用 however 等。
③合理增加細節。如：為說明服務態度好，在 The dishes look nice and taste delicious as well 后添加了一句 What's more， the workers there treat us as their friends ，在提缺點時加了 we feel 等句。（見下文中畫線部分）
④使用委婉形式：在提建議時可用 May I suggest ？ 代替 I suggest .同時注意書信中的禮貌用語，如： Thanks for your consideration. 這些都符合真實的書信交往，也很容易讓人接受。
⑤使用較為復雜的結構：為避免句式單調，可將簡單句、并列句、復合句并用。同時也可使用獨立主格結構、非謂語動詞等。
修改之后：
Dear Mr. Principal，
I'm a senior student of our school. I'd like to say something about the canteen service in our school. The hall is clean and tidy. The dishes look nice and taste delicious as well. What's more， the workers there treat us as their friends， which makes us feel very happy.
However， we feel the price of the meal is a little high. Besides， we can only have a limited variety of dishes with little change every week. In addition， we often have to stand in line for a long time before we can get the meal. You could understand how precious time is to us students. Therefore， may I suggest something be done to solve the problem so that we can all enjoy our meals at school？
Thanks for your consideration.
Yours
Li Hua
不難看出，修改后的文章語言準確、層次清晰、內容充實、表達多樣、意思連貫，是一篇很難得的佳作。
